In many ways my life is better than ever. I am creating something wonderful. I’ve much to be grateful for and have so much love in my life. Children, a handful of good friends and a wonderful family. I’m doing a good job battling my cocaine addiction (over 20 years clean) and have faced the darkness of my past sexual abuse. I’m listening to myself, trusting myself, learning to love myself. I am more confident in my abilities to care for myself and know that from today onward I can see some of my wildest dreams come true. So why the sadness?
I was beating myself up over feeling it. I was denying it and pushing it down. Trying to run from it and hide from it. I’d almost convinced myself that it was not there…that it was not real. How wrong I was.
Sadness is acceptable. I am entitled to feel and express it. In my quiet moments, when no one else is around, I allow myself to cry. The tears quickly turn into sobs that come from a place so deep that sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop. I hurt. I am hurting so badly from the pain of loss…of broken promises….of abandonment.
I am so grateful to know…to really KNOW…that this is temporary. That I need to grieve the loss as a part of my journey. I am grateful for the knowledge and experience that has shown me time and again that these moments of sadness are to be acknowledged and allowed. I know that I am going to be okay.
Unfortunately there are many who do NOT know this. Their sadness feels like it will never leave them. It overwhelms and permeates every moment of every day. These are the people who fall into depression and sometimes never recover. I ask that you look around and take a moment to really see the people in your life. Be still with them and listen to the silence. Lend a hand, an ear, a shoulder. Just connect. I’ve lost three family members to suicide. I wish I’d known then what I know now.