Monthly Archives: February 2012

Torment

It was coming
It was bound to come
The ugliness seeking me out
It’s coldness surrounding me
My body so tired
Each limb heavy
Unable to move and yet
My heart is racing.
Out of control
my insides shake
Shiver

I can not stop the fear
I resist the giving in
I push away the memory
It will not let me go this time
The hurt needs out
It ricochets inside of me
Bouncing from gut to brain to heart to lung
This pain, this sorrow

Extreme
It wants to pull me under
It demands my attention
“LET ME GO”
I scream in anger
Release me from the torment
Or at least let me cry
Let me succumb to the sad
Let the tears fall

Sobs bursting forth
Propelled by the force
Of my anger
My pain
My disbelief that such a thing
Such evil
can exist within
such beauty

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Why…

Why do people commit suicide?

I wish there was an easy answer and a way to stop it from happening.  I’ve lost 3 family members to suicide and one of them was my step-mother.  Today marks the 24th year since her passing at the age of 49.

I had the opportunity to talk to my step mom after her first attempt to take her life.  I had the opportunity to ask the why and to talk openly and honestly with her about the darkness that she could not escape.  Over the course many days, she shared some of her angst with me.  She talked about the feelings of shame, the depression that never seemed to leave, the disconnection from herself and feelings of unworthiness.   The pain was deep.  The pain was more than she could bear.  She told me that she had been sexually abused as a child.

One of the reasons I started Voice Found was to honour my step-mother.  I wish I could have helped her.  I did not know how.  I only knew that I could relate to most of what she said to me because, unbeknownst to her, I too was sexually abused as a child.

I can’t answer all the why’s but I can answer some of them.  Sometimes the pain is just too much to bear.  Sometimes the darkness just consumes us.  Sometimes there is just not the right help at the right time.  I will do all I can to help survivors and to prevent children from being sexually abused.  That is all I can do.