I can still remember exactly how it felt. The ache. The intense loneliness. The pain. The fear. The silent scream to the world that went unanswered.
Today the triggers were too intense, too frequent, too real. Today I was 5 years old again. Over and over with barely room to recover. A relentless, seemingly never ending, series of memories. They ran the gamut of short body memories to long, intense emotional journeys.
I found myself back on the playground. Standing at the edge of the yard watching all the other children play while I stood alone. Sad. Hurting. Confused. There was one teacher who noticed. She would sometimes come and put her arm around me and ask why I did not want to play with the other children. I don’t know what I told her, but she accepted it. I wonder if she knew. I wonder if she suspected the reason for my alienation. I wonder if she knew the man who was abusing me.
Work was an effort of Herculean proportions. I don’t know how I made it through without collapsing into a bucket of tears- but I did:) My work day was filled with meetings and writing and planning and more meetings. I made it through without letting on that I was in a state of near panic all day. I solved problems, took care of my staff, made decisions and kept all the balls in the air. If there was an award to be given for best actress in the role of a competent manager – I would surely be the recipient today.
It is very unusual for me to be experiencing this. I thought the worst was behind me but there is a corner of a memory coming back. I know there is something else I am not allowing myself to see. It’s been haunting me lately but I am really too afraid to shine a light on it. I don’t feel strong enough to face it just yet.
I know I will have to face it and allow it and move through it. Damn. It sucks. But I know the reward is great. I deserve the happiness and freedom and light that comes from facing the worst of the worst head on.
I can do this!