I was listening to Alanis Morrisette’s song Torch this morning and found myself sobbing. Yes- I have felt the sting of a lovers farewell but it was a much deeper pain and an awareness that caused me to pause. And to cry. And to sob. And to sit and write this blog post.
I miss the things I never had. Before I list them, let me assure you that I have had many lovely people in my life, moments of such pure beauty that have stolen my breath, loved with all I am and all I have. I’m blessed to have a loving mother, 4 beautiful children, siblings, a wonderful step-dad and some beautiful friends who have been there for me when I allowed them to come close. I’ve attained financial success, realized some dreams and most importantly made a positive impact on some folks in my life. All of this and yet there is an ache, a longing, a pain so deep that there have been times I have wanted to end my life.
These are the things I never had that I miss the most:
- A father who was present in my life. A dad to validate and support and love me and let me know that I was safe and beautiful and worthy. The sting of his leaving when I was 13 has not healed.
- An opportunity to loose my virginity with a man who valued me and let me have free choice. Loosing it at age 5 by the hands of a sexual predator stole that from me.
- To know what it is like to define your life by the value of who you are as a woman rather than simply as a sexual being.
- Believing when someone says they love you as you are.
- Lightness and laughter and ease with others without self-consciously editing my thoughts, reactions, words. Joy of being a carefree teenager or young woman.
- Feeling worthy of good things. Allowing them into my life without question.
- Going for walks in the wood without fear. Feeling safe and at ease within myself.
- Deep intimacy.
- A healthy, loving and supportive relationship. Despite being married twice, I have not been able to sustain or enjoy or know what it is like to have the love that I deserve. How can I when I haven’t known how to love myself? (My husbands are not to ‘blame’ – there is no ‘blame’ in success or failure of the relationships.)
- Loving myself. Completely.
It’s a painful place to realize that you have not had the things that most others take for granted. And yet I am grateful that I am awakening. I am coming to understand the why of my discomfort. With over half of my life behind me, I don’t have much time left.
I can miss what I did not have. I can and must mourn their loss and face the pain rather than pretend it’s all okay.
The compassion I show to others, my support and encouragement of their journeys and dreams is something I need to give to myself.
It all starts with me.