I have been suppressing a LOT of anger lately. Funny how I thought I had dealt with everything. I thought I was done with all the hard work of recovery. I figured I was equipped to handle all the emotions and ‘stuff’. I stopped seeing a therapist because a) I could no longer afford it and b) I thought I was ok.
ARGH! I am NOT ‘ok’. Yes- I am way better than I was before. Yes, I have learned a lot about myself and about the impact of the abuse. A lot of major mess-ups in my life now make sense to me. I understand choices I made and reasons for certain behaviours. I have learned to speak up and speak out. I really have come far BUT…(and it is a huge BUT)…I still have a lot of work to do.
I feel rage. I can no longer contain it and pretend that I have worked through the anger. That bastard took my LIFE from me! His selfish act took away the person I could have been. I did not get to choose who I gave my virginity too. I did not get to ‘fit in’. I did not get to have healthy relationships. I lived a life of fear and addiction. A life of never feeling a part of the world. A life of an outsider cloaked in shame and guilt.
Okay- so I ‘kind of’ let a bit of anger out along the way with some of my ‘sisters’ in recovery…but I did not get it all out. I tried to fast forward the process. So what have I learned? Well there IS NO SHORT CUT. In order to heal you have to do the work. Hard, painful, gut-wrenching and scary work. If you don’t do the work you are fooling yourself. The unresolved bits will bubble up and wreak havoc.
I will get myself the help I need to work through this anger. And I will do the work I need to do. Why? Because I deserve to be healthy and this is the only way to get there.