Monthly Archives: June 2011

There are no shortcuts

I have been suppressing a LOT of anger lately.  Funny how I thought I had dealt with everything.  I thought I was done with all the hard work of recovery.  I figured I was equipped to handle all the emotions and ‘stuff’.  I stopped seeing a therapist because a) I could no longer afford it and b) I thought I was ok.

ARGH!  I am NOT ‘ok’.  Yes- I am way better than I was before.  Yes, I have learned a lot about myself and about the impact of the abuse.  A lot of major mess-ups in my life now make sense to me.  I understand choices I made and reasons for certain behaviours.  I have learned to speak up and speak out.  I really have come far BUT…(and it is a huge BUT)…I still have a lot of work to do.

I feel rage.  I can no longer contain it and pretend that I have worked through the anger.  That bastard took my LIFE from me!  His selfish act took away the person I could have been.  I did not get to choose who I gave my virginity too.  I did not get to ‘fit in’.  I did not get to have healthy relationships.  I lived a life of fear and addiction.  A life of never feeling  a part of the world.  A life of an outsider cloaked in shame and guilt.

Okay- so I ‘kind of’ let a bit of anger out along the way with some of my ‘sisters’ in recovery…but I did not get it all out.  I tried to fast forward the process.  So what have I learned?  Well there IS NO SHORT CUT.  In order to heal you have to do the work.  Hard, painful, gut-wrenching and scary work.  If you don’t do the work you are fooling yourself.  The unresolved bits will bubble up and wreak havoc.

I will get myself the help I need to work through this anger.  And I will do the work I need to do.  Why?  Because I deserve to be healthy and this is the only way to get there.

 

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