Anger

I am posting this because I think it is important for people to know that no matter how together someone may look, no matter how much therapy, support and wonderful people in a survivor’s life, there are still moments when ugly things come back.   There are still moments when self hate threatens to take over.  Moments when sadness is overwhelming.  Moments when fear creeps in.  Moments when it is simply not possible to feel light and free…to laugh and feel pleasure.   And for me…there are moments when anger is at the root of what I’ve tried to bury.

The past few days I have been feeling something and was unable to put my finger on it.  A sadness combined with feelings of restlessness.  Oh how I have wanted to escape from myself. Burying the feelings with food and work.  Rationalizing. Beating myself up for even having a ‘negative’ emotion. (for the record – F**K the concept of ‘negative’ emotions…whatever you feel is an emotion. period.  no label. no right or wrong.  it just is.) Finally I let myself go.  Finally I allowed myself to name what I am feeling.  Finally I allowed the emotion of anger.  Damn right I’m angry.  I have every reason to be angry.   For starters, that bastard took my childhood from me.  He set me up for a life of self abuse, self hate, self doubt.  If I knew where he was I would laugh in his face and stomp on his feet while telling him I WON over his pathetic attempts at stealing my life from me.    Anger.  I feel it, felt it and now am going to let it go.

Sobs bursting forth

Propelled by the force

Of my anger

My pain

My disbelief that such a thing

Such evil

can exist within

such beauty

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4 thoughts on “Anger

  1. Tracie says:

    I think there is a point where we have to let ourselves feel that anger and explore those emotions. It is part of the healing. Being able to feel it and work through it and then let it go is a wonderful thing, because it is so easy to get “stuck” in that angry place for a long time.

  2. Alex Vorobej says:

    Understandable that you feel this way. I can’t even imagine what you have been going throught all these years. I’m not even going to try. How can we take this and make others understand that they need to feel the emotions as well? All of them.

  3. Kneale Mann says:

    Cynthia, thank-you for sharing this with us. It’s part of therapy, I’m sure, but it still sucks and will always suck and will forever be wrong and I’m sure I can safely speak for all of your readers, colleagues, friends and family members we too wish we know where that piece of crap was right now. But revenge is best served as a good life which is why you are doing.

    It saddens me that anyone has to endure such horror but I am confident other survivors are glad you are here to share with them.

    • Cynthia says:

      Thanks so much for taking time to comment Kneale. I’ve punched many a pillow and yelled at many an empty chair. While I’ve come far, there are still times when I hurl that anger at myself. Thankfully I am now aware of when I am doing that and take action before I plunge into horrible depression. I’ve turned the corner – the worst is behind me – and life is certainly worth living. I won’t let that monster win. I want others to know that it IS hard work to heal from abuse but there IS help and life IS worth living. We did nothing wrong. We are worthy of all good things.

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