I’ll win.

This blog post is a page from my personal journal.  Every so often I share these writings…my voice as a survivor.

Nov. 2008

Despite years of healing and therapy, friends and support, I still have some evil to exorcise.  There is still an ugliness and shame that is buried very deep inside and it tries hard to extinguish the joy and self-love that has been starting to shine so brightly in me.   At times it is as if every part of me is screaming to succumb to that dark place again.  How easy it would be to simply stay a victim and go through life in a semi-comatose state of disconnection. There is this struggle of good and evil.  Of light and dark.

I am angry that I lived too many years as a victim and that I have to work so hard to remove that ‘victim’ stance and way of thinking.  It angers and frustrates me to have to struggle at times to enjoy what is my right as a human being. Joy, abundance, love, peace of mind, feelings of security.  I want to have these things that have been so elusive in my life.  Half-lived or felt or completely missing.

What if I write the words again now with new eyes?  What if I write them from a place of power and strength?   Joy.   Abundance.  Love.  Peace of  Mind.  Feelings of Security. Maybe the  ONLY thing that keeps me from these things  is myself.    Daily, I need to remind myself that I am deserving of love.  That I am enough.  That I am worthy.  That I deserve to feel joy.  That what I need is there – it is mine for the taking.  Screw the voices that try to tell me otherwise.  Ha!  They are old, negative voices.  I’ll do battle with that evil and pain and I will win.

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7 thoughts on “I’ll win.

  1. Kneale Mann says:

    Cynthia, it takes bravery to share your story and realize that your shame and guilt is simply in the way of your recovery. You did nothing wrong yet many who have experienced such an unthinkable experience feel the same.

    You are a survivor, you are an inspiration.

    • Cynthia says:

      Thank you for your words of encouragement. They are most graciously appreciated. I think it’s important for people to understand the long term effects of childhood sexual abuse. Shame and guilt are what the perpetrators should feel but sadly they leave their victims struggling with these feelings. I am thankful for strength and support of friends and community that have allowed me to (mostly) shed darkness. It is however pretty ingrained at the core and at times a struggle. I’m one of the lucky ones. Some succumb to the overwhelming darkness and live lives filled with self hatred….or they take permanent measures.

  2. David says:

    In one of my recent 4 a.m. thought fests, I arrived at a phrase that wouldn’t quiet down because I think I finally started to own it. I decided that I was worthy of all good things. The phrase was simple and unqualified. It seemed to do a clear cut through my negative thoughts and worries of late. I felt relaxed when I repeated it. And I finally believed it. I went to print it off tonight as a reminder that I could post in an obvious place around the house. For some reason, I googled the phrase just to see what would come up and I arrived at the link for your page.

    I’ll be 58 this year and survived sexual abuse by a family member when I was 7 years old. It took many many years of healing and rebuilding trust to put it in my past. And I still have my days when the negativity subtly creeps in. But I’ve been fortunate to have found good support, healthy friendships and managed to preserve a resilience of spirit that has allowed an adult life full of good things. This is possible. So perhaps I’ve just stumbled on the mantra that hopefully all survivors realize at some point. Worthy of all good things. Keep believing in this.

    Thanks for sharing your brave page!

    • Cynthia says:

      Thank you so much for taking time to comment on my blog. 4 am ‘thought fests’ I know very well. Something about that time of day.
      Yes. You are worthy of all good things. I am worthy of all good things. We are worthy of all good things. And yes, we must keep repeating this mantra when other forces attempt to have us doubt or worthiness.

      Please stop by and visit again.

  3. zulu127 says:

    Thanks for your lovely words, Cynthia.

    “I’ll do battle with that evil and pain and I will win.” Personally I’m tired of “doing battle” for the things that most people enjoy almost reflexively. It was 14 years ago that my childhood sexual abuse surfaced and now, at 55, there seems to be little reason to change. I’ve come to realize that this abuse coloured life much more than I could have imagined. Most of the productive part of life is behind with little being produced. I feel like I’m watching a boring movie impatiently waiting for the end to arrive.

    • Cynthia says:

      Thank you for sharing with me and for commenting. I know how it feels to look back and see how much of life has been taken from us. I thought I would NEVER feel any hope. And I will not ever tell another survivor what to do or to just ‘choose’ happiness. That’s what people say who do not know our reality. There is no magic formula. It is a personal journey and the healing process is long and painful. All I can offer is the comfort and knowledge that you are not alone. And sunrise is beautiful. And sometimes a boring movie has a moment of brilliance.

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