This blog post is a page from my personal journal. Every so often I share these writings…my voice as a survivor.
Despite years of healing and therapy, friends and support, I still have some evil to exorcise. There is still an ugliness and shame that is buried very deep inside and it tries hard to extinguish the joy and self-love that has been starting to shine so brightly in me. At times it is as if every part of me is screaming to succumb to that dark place again. How easy it would be to simply stay a victim and go through life in a semi-comatose state of disconnection. There is this struggle of good and evil. Of light and dark.
I am angry that I lived too many years as a victim and that I have to work so hard to remove that ‘victim’ stance and way of thinking. It angers and frustrates me to have to struggle at times to enjoy what is my right as a human being. Joy, abundance, love, peace of mind, feelings of security. I want to have these things that have been so elusive in my life. Half-lived or felt or completely missing.
What if I write the words again now with new eyes? What if I write them from a place of power and strength? Joy. Abundance. Love. Peace of Mind. Feelings of Security. Maybe the ONLY thing that keeps me from these things is myself. Daily, I need to remind myself that I am deserving of love. That I am enough. That I am worthy. That I deserve to feel joy. That what I need is there – it is mine for the taking. Screw the voices that try to tell me otherwise. Ha! They are old, negative voices. I’ll do battle with that evil and pain and I will win.