The sentence ‘I allow myself to be exactly how I am’ leapt out at me this morning. I’ve been struggling the past couple of days and was trying to figure out why. Why do I feel pressure to be achieving great things every day? Why do I allow myself to feel less than another because I have not launched a website, baked bread, published a book, graduated with an MBA, run a marathon or had the perfect marriage? Why do I fool myself into thinking that everyone else really IS as happy as they tweet? And what is wrong with being me? What is wrong with having days when I feel sad or confused or insecure?
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how I feel. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with living a simple life. There is nothing wrong with having my definition of success be something other than world domination or huge piles of money. There is nothing wrong with having and admitting to moments of insecurity. There is nothing wrong with ANY emotion. It is when you deny emotion that it becomes something of a problem.
Over the 42 years that I carried the secret of abuse with me, I had to pretend. My smile was bigger than anyone else’s. The mask of pretense that I wore was large. It had to be. It had to cover angst and shame that was massive and ugly. I am now learning the freedom that comes from being authentic.
I will not pretend to be happy all the time. This does not mean that I am not happy MOST of the time…it just means that I am allowing myself to be exactly how I am. I am. And I am a pretty awesome lady!