When I decided to share my secret with my therapist a few years ago, I thought things would somehow just get better. Fast. I had ‘no time’ to deal with therapy and working things through. I figured there had to be a ‘fast track’ to recovery. How wrong I was. Healing pays no attention to your self-imposed time-line. It can’t. It is a natural process. You have to let things happen as they are meant to. Sometimes this means taking two steps back and then three forward.
The journey has been – and still is- painful at times but I would not trade one moment of it. Some of the moments of extreme angst revealed the greatest beauty.
One of the most important things I want to share with other women who are going through this is that you ARE okay. You WILL be okay. The sun will shine, the birds will sing and night will turn to day. If you are willing to invest the time to heal… you will learn to pull the fragments of your lost self together. As those pieces come together to form a whole you will love the woman you are. It is worth every tear and every moment of extreme discomfort.
I wrote the following on a fall retreat. It was a momentous occassion for me as I had never gone on such an adventure by myself before. Rented a cabin near Algonquin Park and stayed all alone for 6 days. I hiked in the woods alone (this was REALLY big for me because I was once raped in the woods) I had just lost my job. I was struggling in so many ways but felt the need to face some fears. It was an amazing trip. Sure I was scared skinny a few times. I also laughed and danced by myself outside at sunrise. I cried. I just let things happen.
(ps….I won’t be offended if you find my writing horrible. I don’t pretend to be a writer..I just do my best to express myself in ways that make sense to me at the time.)
Hungry for the answer to questions not formed.
The fragments of words weaving through the labyrinth that is of me
Wondering if they will take shape to reveal the answers.
Quietly I listen to a symphony that has not yet been performed,
It’s perfect notes arranging themselves in the depths of my subconscious
Unable to translate them to the orchestra that awaits my music.
Speaking words of love with a voice that has no sound.
The magnificence of each vowel and consonant silent as they escape my lips
Aching for its tenderness to wrap my beloved with my acceptance.