and then BAM..it hits you again and again

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Today I feel like a target in one of those arcade games at the fair.  A line up of happy people have paid their money to try and win a prize.  Rifles at the ready and I am the sole target.  Bam Bam Bam.  I keep standing with a silly grin on my face while shots are fired in rapid succession from all directions.  Over and over and over again.   Or maybe I am more like one of those ‘clown’ punching bags.  You know the ones?  They keep standing no matter how many shots or from what direction.  I think you get the idea.

Through the past few years I have been opening the doors that have held dark secrets.  I have been illuminating these places with light and love and through the process have been healing. There remained one tightly sealed door and I knew that for me to move forward I had to open it.   It has been opened….and the secret shared.  I am now dealing with the pain that comes with the revelation.  One thing becomes many.  The memory brings up many others…some directly associated and others similar in the emotional response.   Recovery is hard work.   Everyday life does not stand still and wait.  ( damn I wish it would sometimes…)

I am fortunate to have love and support.  I am not alone in this but yet must do it alone.  And so, while I get pummeled by pain, I still smile.   That goofy grin stays on my face because I know.  I know that this is the way to freedom.  This is only way I can be completely and one hundred percent happy.  This is the only way I can love myself.

So go ahead and take your best shot.  I’m going to keep standing and  smiling.

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One thought on “and then BAM..it hits you again and again

  1. Alex Vorobej says:

    Sometimes,

    we do things because we want to help others.
    we deal with things in the best way we know how to at that time.
    the results are not quite what we had intended.

    We cannot predict what outcomes will be, and because of that, we need to realize that life always throws us little roadblocks…challenges that make us respond…..in the best way we know how to at that time….

    Cynthia, the roadblocks are coming down. There is a strength in you now that will guide you. Others will be there to help as required, if required. You have such a loving soul. Your voice has been found.

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