One of the challenges I continue to struggle with is my sense of self. Authenticity is something I strive for in my relationship with myself (and others) and it can be difficult at times. There are moments…sometimes DAYS that I am not sure who I am or what I am really feeling. After so many years of playing a role and hiding, the process of going deep into myself can be confusing. What is truth and what is bullshit? I remain on ‘high alert’ around most people wondering if I am coming across as ‘normal’. There remains a sense of not belonging. I feel that my voice is not heard and what I have to say is of no importance. There are times that I know I try too hard to fit in and this is distasteful to others. I still feel shame.
So- what do I know to be true of myself? Well I know that I still have some hard work before I am living the life I deserve. I need to go through a few more ‘pain’ doors to face the very dark place that remains inside. Once I face that place I will be free to know who I am.
I remain hopeful that who I discover is the woman I have started to love.