Monthly Archives: July 2009

In the news…..

The article below sadly highlights common themes of  childhood sexual abuse:

1)  Stolen childhood memories and innocence

“What were once my memories of childhood and adolescence are now his. What should have been some of the happiest, most freeing memories, he holds hostage,”

2) Perpetrator is a trusted friend or family member.

“…..serious breach of trust as someone close to the family of the victims. In several instances, Polowin said the sexual touching occurred when the father or other family members of the victims were in the next room.”

3) A taboo subject that no one wants to talk about.

“The victim added that in her family and culture, she was “just a girl,” and had since had female relatives look at her in disgust and refuse to shake her hand, “not because I had been abused, but because I spoke it.” Neither her mother nor her father attended the sentencing hearing.”

I am upset about this.  These women were so brave to come forward and to go through a court system that forgets that these are living, breathing, feeling victims who have lived the experience.   Facts, litigation…all important and have their place and are integral to the justice system however let us not ever forget the  HUMAN aspect

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/news/broke+walked+away/1839336/story.html

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on being a ‘good or bad girl’

Something happened to me today that caused me to pause and reflect.  This is always a good thing even though lessons can be hard.  In fact they can downright SUCK.   Without going into detail, the bottom line is that I have been too nice.  I have repeated a pattern of being overly helpful to others.  I am the first one to jump in and go above and beyond.  Someone needs an ear…I make myself available.  Need a cup of coffee?  Well I can do that too.  Problem is that this is not always a great idea when you are self employed. I now find myself being penalized for good faith work.  No one to blame but myself and this is something I need to learn how to manage.

So why do I feel compelled to put others before myself?  Why am I always so freaking nice?  Well…it is who I am and I do not want to make a sweeping change on that.  I like smiling at people, giving cups of coffee to homeless folks, offering a drive home, giving a stranger a compliment.  That is as natural to me as breathing.  Where I need to draw the line is in the workplace and in particular with ‘authority figures’.

I have figured out why it is hard for me to do so.  My voice was not heard by those ‘bigger’ than me unless I was giving them what they wanted.  In the case of a 5 year old me (and 11,12,13 etc etc)- that meant sex.  So it was all about being nice…being a ‘good girl’ and not saying no.

Today I have made a HUGE self discovery.  I have learned to say no to many people and things…now I can practice saying no to real or percieved authority in the workplace.  It does not make me a ‘bad girl’…it makes me smart!

Sense of self…who am I?

One of the challenges I continue to struggle with is my sense of self.  Authenticity is something I strive for in my relationship with myself (and others) and it can be difficult at times.  There are moments…sometimes DAYS that I am not sure who I am or what I am really feeling.  After so many years of playing a role and hiding, the process of going deep into myself can be confusing.  What is truth and what is bullshit?   I remain on ‘high alert’ around most people wondering if I am coming across as ‘normal’.  There remains a sense of not belonging.  I feel that my voice is not heard and what I have to say is of no importance.  There are times that I know I try too hard to fit in and this is distasteful to others.   I still feel shame.

So- what do I know to be true of myself?   Well I know that I still have some hard work  before I am living the life I deserve.  I need to go through a few more ‘pain’ doors to face the very dark place that remains inside.  Once I face that place I will be free to know who I am.

I remain hopeful that who I discover is the woman I have started to love.

a summer moment at dusk

sunset

I’ve stopped thinking as much as possible and have been learning to FEEL.  When I am able to stop the battle and noise in my mind a most amazing thing happens.  I breath deeply.  I taste the air.  I hear the sound of my heartbeat.  I see beauty and I drink it in.

Trust what you feel.  Your instincts are right.  LIVE.  LOVE.  LAUGH.  CRY.   LET GO.