So now what?

My time in Edmonton was truly amazing in so many ways.   I met some wonderful people and I even had a chance to see some of the city.  I have to tell you that I was pleasantly surprised.  Edmonton has quite a lot to offer and I would certainly go back again!  There are some wonderful shops on Whyte Street and for those of you who need the shopping mall experience, nothing can beat the West Edmonton Mall.  Sensory overload and a bit much for this lady.

The mission for the trip was happily accomplished and I’m now an authorized facilitator for the ‘Stewards of Children’ program and look forward to conducting workshops.  That part is clear.  I simply need to find organizations and individuals who are commited to resolving child sexual abuse in the community and conduct workshops.  (look for my next post for detail).

Here is where I am struggling.  The overall dream I have is clear.  I can see and taste and feel it.  The path to get from where I am now to the realization of the dream is not clear at all.  I find the unknown to be both exciting and scary.  I have some doubts in my ability and old voices come back to haunt me……  ‘You are not good enough.’  ‘You’re a stupid girl.’  ‘You are only good for one thing and that is sex.’  ‘What makes you think you can do something so important?’  and so on and so on.   I struggle to quiet those voices and believe me they SCREAM at times.  They are not whispers but shouts.  Shouting back at the voices has been one way for me to quiet them but I have made a new discovery.  I am learning to sit quietly with them.

It may seem counterproductive but by quieting myself and not reacting to the negative voices it allows me to look at the source of them without emotional attachment.  I can then make a choice as to whether to accept the statement or not.  I’m not saying I am good at this.  Hell no.  I still have a long way to go but I can see where there is some progress.  Had I attempted to take even one step towards realizing my dream even 6 months ago, I would have talked myself out of it.

I guess the thing for me to do is to keep the end goal in mind and to be mindful of the successes along the way.  Stay focused and alert to the signs that tell me what to do next.  Allow myself to be human and make mistakes.  Remember that I need not continue to live a life of feeling shame.  Listen to the quiet whispers in my heart and soul that gently guide me.  Trust myself.

path

path

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