Excerpt from my recovery journal…..

August 31, 2007

Lately I have been feeling so very good and whole and healthy. I am so happy that the foundation I am building within myself is now solid. This foundation makes the ‘bad’ moments not so ‘bad’ anymore. I am aware of lightness. I am blessed. Thankfully I know that I am not alone and I will recover from any moments of panic or depression. I understand now that I need to allow the feelings to come up, accept them, learn from them and then release them.

I wrote this stream of consciousness the other day after recovering from a particularily bad flashback. I am grateful for the gift of expression.

It was coming
It was bound to come
The ugliness seeking me out
It’s coldness surrounding me
My body so tired
Each limb heavy
Unable to move and yet
My heart is racing.
Out of control
my insides shake

I can not stop the fear
I resist the giving in
I push away the memory
It will not let me go this time
The hurt needs out
It ricochets inside of me
Bouncing from gut to brain to heart to lung
This pain, this sorrow

It wants to pull me under
It demands my attention
Let me go
I scream in anger
Release me from the torment
Or at least let me cry
Let me succumb to the sad
Let the tears fall

Sobs bursting forth
Propelled by the force
Of my anger
My pain
My disbelief that such a thing
Such evil
can exist within
such beauty


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: